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Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Ty Webb's Guide to Golf Etiquette

Ty Webb
If you clicked on this link with the expectation of finding items such as the proper place to stand when your opponent is teeing off, you are in the wrong place my friend. Go have a Zima and come back when you are ready to learn about something that really matters.

Ty Webb's Guide to Golf Etiquette will help you with some of the more...esoteric...aspects of the game.

Mulligans

Unless specifically ruled out as part of a betting game, all players with handicaps exceeding 15 are entitled to a mulligan on the first tee. To limit embarrassment, this should be referred to as a "Breakfast Ball" (if you are teeing off at twilight, it is acceptable to use the Japanese form known as a "Breakfast Bar" (since they are eating breakfast there at the time). Breakfast Balls may not be saved for use on another tee box.

Anyone with a handicap of 20 or higher is entitled to one mulligan per nine holes. Breakfast Balls are not charged as official mulligans.

Scoring

Any putt that is called "good" (as in "That's good") is automatically considered to be jarred. The golfer may practice the putt and shall incur no penalty if it is missed.

The phrase "Pick it up." shall be used any time that a player with a handicap of 20+ is lying 8 or more while still in the fairway. The player shall receive a score of double par (Beagle) and will be grateful.

Unless you're playing in a tournament, no penalty shall be incurred for balls lost in the rough or fairway. Tour pros have tournament officials and spectators to point out exactly where their ball settled. Moreover, they don't need to worry about someone picking up their Pro V1 and putting it in their bag. As long as you are certain that the ball stayed in bounds and is not buried in a bush, etc., you are entitled to a free drop in a location agreed to by at least one other member of your group.

Pace of Play

"Ready Golf" was thought up by a slow golfer and is a load of crap. Anyone who takes a triple and tees off before the guy who made birdie should be required to play his second shot from a bunker. Keep up with the group in front of you. Make sure your playing partners keep up. Ready Golf my ass.

If you have a hole open in front of you, do not re-try your 30 footer after everyone else has finished.

If the group in front of you is a hole behind and someone re-tries their 30 footer, it is acceptable to yell at them to hurry up.

If the above happens twice, it is acceptable to hit your approach shot the very second they step off the green. Remember to yell "FORE" as we don't want any lawsuits.

Drink Cart Girls

The amount of your tip should be directly proportional to how hot she is and how willing she is to pretend that you have a chance with her.

An extra dollar should be added if she is wearing a short skirt rather than shorts, etc.

An additional dollar should be added if she is wearing those lacy bobby socks.

There is absolutely no obligation to tip a cart girl if she is a bitch.

Urination

Urinating on the course is as much a part of the game as putting (this is, of course, only true if it's not an activity which can get you arrested).

Whenever possible, players should face away from houses while peeing. This is however not necessary if doing so requires peeing into the wind.

Players should refrain from peeing on the course if the Cart Girl is on green or fairway in front of the group.

Urinating on your opponents ball is strictly prohibited (unless you are sure you can get away with it without him knowing).

Miscellaneous

Golf carts must be kept off the greens and out of hazards. Other than that, they are toys.

Any player wearing more than four logos must buy the first round.

Asking opponents if they inhale or exhale in their backswing is not only legal, it is hilarious if it screws them up.

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