My granddaughter Isabel, who is going on 6 months, will do more for the human race than Mother Teresa and Billie Holiday combined. Why not? She's got some of my genes, and there's never been a plan like this:
Mickey Wright has agreed to teach the infant the swing-Mickey's
swing. We'll keep the child down in the old family room. It's
best that Isabel see nobody except me and Mickey-until she's got
the swing down cold.
After Mickey leaves, Nancy Lopez will move in. What she'll do
is teach putting-the putting stroke Nancy had 20 years ago. And
then comes Karrie Webb, the first woman I've ever seen who hits
knockdown wedges and makes the ball dance.
For the last piece of the package, I counted on securing for Isabel
the twinkle in Hollis Stacy's eyes. But Hollis, who can be tough
on these matters, says she wants 3 percent of the gross. To me,
3 percent seems awfully high for a twinkle. I'll bet we can get
one of Laura Baugh's dimples for 2 percent. I asked Helen Alfredsson
for her hair, but she just cursed in Swedish.
What do I care? This little lady will make the world forget Joan
of Arc and Roseanne.
I've already talked to Nike. Phil Knight very much wants a diaper
deal with that swoosh thing right across the front. I threw out
$10 million to him, but he said that's way too much if the baby
happens to toilet train early. I argued that with a baby in a
swooshed diaper, that tired and corny Nike phrase "Just do
it" will take on a whole new meaning and come back to life.
I informed him it's no sweat, Isabel is going to be bigger than
Madame Curie and Oprah rolled together. But he wouldn't budge
off his number of $5 million.
So I took on Michael Ovitz to represent us. So far he's made just
the one commitment. There will be a book to come out to celebrate
her third birthday-My Life So Far-as told to Danielle Steele
and Lady Antonia Fraser.
Ovitz did say he's not absolutely in love with "Isabel"
as a marketable name with big-time resonance. He could be right.
I just might have her name changed to "Bubbles" in honor
of Bubbles Castellano-a guy from Brooklyn who just about saved
my life by volunteering to do my weekend KP back when I was occupying
Germany and had a weekend pass to Hamburg.
I almost forgot about a lawyer. We need a perfect lawyer. It'll
be one of those two lady golfers from the Supreme Court-Sandra
Day O'Connor or Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The only thing that could
be tough about pulling this off is prying the kid loose from her
parents. They are both tough Chicago lawyers who couldn't care
less about golf. They are baseball wackos, obsessed with the White
Sox. Maybe they would be willing to trade Isabel for a ball signed
by Albert Belle.
Once we cut a deal with the parents, we're off to Florida. I think
we'll buy Fisher Island, with what we save by beating state income tax.